Every effort to connect and communicate strengthens your bond and brings you closer together. Preparing for marriage is a journey filled with love and hope, and following Gottman's principles can guide you in building a strong, lasting relationship. Embrace this journey together, and enjoy the discovery of new things about each other as you lay the groundwork for your loving future!
Marriage Preparation: Building a Strong Foundation with The Gottman Method
Tommy Tellson • October 20, 2024
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Prepare for Marriage with The Gottman Method
Getting to know each other better is an exciting part of preparing for marriage! This journey is about deepening your connection and understanding each other’s dreams, values, and aspirations. Following the principles outlined by relationship expert John Gottman can help you build a strong foundation for your future together. As you move through these exercises if you find yourself getting stuck or having a difficult time moving through please reach out and one of our marriage preparation counselors can help you and your partner connect and prepare to have a lifelong connected marriage.
Enhance Your Love Maps
One enjoyable way to deepen your connection is through shared activities like cooking a meal or hiking. These experiences create lasting memories and help you learn how each of you handles challenges. Open conversations about your dreams and goals are also essential. Discuss your visions for the future to understand each other's values. I invite you to try Gottman’s "20 Questions Love Map" exercise, which encourages you to explore each other's inner worlds. You can find the Love Map Exercise by clicking here.
Love Map Exercise
Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Increasing fondness and admiration is crucial as you prepare for marriage. Regularly share what you appreciate about one another—like compliments or gratitude for small acts. Consider doing Gottman’s "Admiration and Appreciation" exercise, where you each list five things you admire about your partner. This practice helps you focus on the positives in your relationship. Recognizing each other’s strengths will strengthen your bond and deepen your connection.
Click the link for the Admiration and Appreciation Exercise.
Turn Toward Each Other
To enhance romance, plan regular date nights—whether it’s watching a movie, having a picnic, or cooking dinner together. Spending quality time helps you reconnect. You might also try the "Stress-Reducing Conversation" exercise. In this activity, each partner shares their daily stressors while the other listens and supports. This practice fosters emotional intimacy and helps you feel more connected. Learn more about the stress-reducing conversation at the link below. From a nervous system perspective, this is one of the most important exercises a couple can do! Learning to regulate each other and reduce stress can help you connect and improve the connection with all the other exercises.
Let your partner influence you.
Learning to be influenced by each other is essential for a strong partnership. Being open to your partner’s ideas can improve collaboration. Practice this by discussing decisions, big or small. Listen to each other's opinions and seek solutions that make you both happy. Gottman’s "Share the Power" exercise can help. In this activity, you take turns expressing your needs while the other listens without interrupting. More information on "Sharing the Power" can be found at the link below. This exercise can help build lasting trust and connection. Learning to respond to each other's needs is a foundational attachment need and can make your relationship long-lasting.
Solve Your Solvable Problems
Understanding how to handle problems is crucial. Some issues, like choosing a date location, are solvable, while others, such as differing family traditions, may be more complex. Recognizing the type of problems you face can help you find peace. To work through solvable issues, try Gottman’s "Problem Solving" exercise. In this exercise, you discuss the issue calmly, sharing feelings and brainstorming solutions together. Learn the Problem Solving Exercise at the link below. It’s okay to disagree! Collaborating on solvable problems strengthens your bond and prepares you to face challenges as a team. I find it important in going into marriage that you have an awareness of current solvable and unsolvable problems. Know what you are saying yes to. :)
Overcome Gridlock
When it comes to unsolvable problems, like differences in traditions or life goals, it’s important to accept that not everything has a clear solution. The key is how you work through these challenges together. A helpful approach is to engage in "Accepting Influence," where you both share your feelings and concerns about the issues at hand. By listening to each other and validating feelings, you can navigate challenges more effectively. A reminder that as you accept the other person and work towards validating their opinions and emotions, it’s important that you are receiving it back and are influencing your partner as well. I hope that the exercise of accepting influence can help you both influence each other.
Create Shared Meaning
Preparing for marriage is not just about resolving conflicts; it’s also about creating shared meaning. This involves building a life together that reflects both partners' dreams and values. Engage in the "Rituals of Connection" exercise, where you create meaningful traditions and rituals together, whether it's celebrating anniversaries or establishing family customs. This shared understanding will help you build a strong foundation for your marriage, filled with respect and love. More details on Rituals of Connection can be found by clicking the link.
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