The Foundation: Seeking to Understand, Not to Win

The single most significant shift you can make in how you argue is changing your goal. In a conflict, it's easy to fall into a win-lose mindset. You want to prove your point, show your partner they are wrong, and come out on top. This approach almost always leaves both people feeling hurt, misunderstood, and resentful.



Instead, enter a disagreement with the primary goal of understanding your partner's perspective. This doesn't mean you have to agree with them. It simply means you are committed to seeing the situation through their eyes. When understanding becomes the priority, defensiveness decreases, and empathy can grow.

Key Strategies for Healthy Communication

Improving how you communicate during a fight takes conscious effort. Here are actionable techniques you can start using today.

Master Active Listening

Often in an argument, we are not truly listening. We are just waiting for our turn to speak, formulating our rebuttal while our partner is talking. Active listening is the opposite. It involves fully concentrating on what is being said, understanding the message, and responding thoughtfully.

To practice active listening:

• Put away distractions: Turn off the TV, put your phones down, and give your partner your full attention.
• Listen without interrupting: Allow your partner to finish their thoughts completely before you respond.

Summarize what you hear: Before sharing your side, repeat back what you understood. Phrases like, "So, what I'm hearing is that you feel frustrated when..." or "It sounds like you're worried about..." can help your partner feel heard and ensure you're on the same page.

Use 'I' Statements to Express Yourself

How you phrase your feelings can either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. "You" statements often sound like accusations, which can immediately put your partner on the defensive. For example, saying "You never help around the house" is likely to start a fight.

'I' statements, on the other hand, focus on your own feelings and experiences without placing blame. They follow a simple structure: "I feel [your emotion] when [the specific situation] because [the impact on you]."

Here’s a comparison:

• "You" statement: "You're always late, and you don't care about my time."
• 'I' statement: "I feel hurt and unimportant when I have to wait a long time for you because it seems like my schedule isn't a priority."

The 'I' statement opens the door for conversation, while the "you" statement slams it shut.

Know When to Take a Break

When emotions run high, our ability to think rationally and communicate effectively plummets. In this "flooded" state, your heart rate increases, and your fight-or-flight response takes over. Continuing an argument at this point is almost always counterproductive and can lead to saying things you'll later regret.

Agree on a signal or a safe word for pausing the conversation. It's crucial that this break isn't used as a punishment or a way to avoid the issue. It's a tool for emotional regulation.

When you take a break:

• Set a specific time to return: Agree to resume the conversation in 30 minutes, an hour, or after you've both had time to cool down. This shows you're not abandoning the discussion.
• Do something calming: During the break, avoid stewing over the argument. Instead, go for a walk, listen to music, or practice deep breathing exercises to calm your nervous system.
• Come back with the intent to resolve: Use the time apart to reflect on your role in the conflict, try to manage your emotions through coping skills so when you return to the conversation you can take a more solution-oriented mindset.

Focus on One Issue at a Time

Arguments can quickly spiral out of control when you start bringing up past grievances. This practice, known as "kitchen-sinking," is incredibly damaging. It turns a specific disagreement into a massive fight about everything that's ever gone wrong in your relationship.

To avoid this, stick to the topic at hand. If the argument is about finances, don't bring up something that happened at a family dinner last month. If you have other unresolved issues, set aside a separate time to discuss them. Keeping the focus narrow makes the problem feel more manageable and increases the chances of finding a resolution.

The Journey to Better Communication

Changing long-standing communication patterns is a process. It requires patience, commitment, and grace from both you and your partner. There will be times when you fall back into old habits, and that's okay. The goal is not perfection but progress.

When a conversation goes poorly, take time afterward to reflect on what happened. You can ask each other, "Where did we go off track?" or "What could we do differently next time?" Acknowledging your shared effort and celebrating small victories can keep you both motivated.

Improving how you communicate during disagreements is one of the most powerful investments you can make in your relationship. It builds a resilient connection that can withstand challenges and fosters a partnership where both individuals feel safe, valued, and deeply understood.

For more information and skills to learn see:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/one-thing-couples-fight-about/

http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/how-to-resolve-disagreements-with-your-partner-without-fighting